As fans work themselves into a frenzy trying to wring every drop of information out of a 90 second trailer, and some of the media's greatest GTA scholars deliver informed speculation and clever predictions, I can't help but get caught up in the excitement of it all. Why should I be prevented from joining in, just because I don't know anything about GTA and only watched the trailer once? Surely my baseless musings are as valuable as anyone's?
No, you're right, it doesn't make sense for me to just sit here on my own and come up with a load of obviously wrong predictions for the content of GTA 6. So, instead I've gotten a bunch of other members of the team to help me out with their own half-baked ideas too. Without further ado, enjoy this list of things that might, probably, definitely, could possibly, but almost certainly won't, be in Rockstar's upcoming behemoth.
Lucia spends the whole game on parole
Predictor Robin Valentine, Senior Editor
Fans have theorised the trailer shows Lucia's life in reverse—the crimes she commits towards the end are actually the ones that land her in jail, where she is at the start. Possible evidence is provided by the game's main art, which shows her wearing an ankle bracelet that she doesn't have during the trailer's action sequences—it makes sense that the bulk of the game takes place after she's released from prison on parole.
So, here's my very sensible addition: what if, after an action-packed intro sequence, Lucia is then on parole for the rest of the game? To avoid getting locked up again, you'll have to stay out of trouble, abide by the law, and not stay out after curfew. Now that's a twist on the GTA formula, and anyone who thinks that sounds too boring has never tried driving across the city in GTA 5 without breaking any traffic laws or making anyone murderously angry at you.
GTA 6 is actually a city builder
Predictor Chris Livingston, Senior Editor
It's obvious, right? The trailer made it clear that the central conflict in GTA 6 is the city's traffic problems. You've got idiots running through the streets naked, twerking on top of moving cars, and flipping their rides while escaping from the cops. That's why we see a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam in the middle of the night on the main drag.
We'll play as Lucia who gets out of jail (arrested for speeding, another traffic issue), gets her life together, and becomes a city planner to solve Vice City's traffic and parking problems. People won't need to race around in motorboats if you introduce an efficient ferry system. Make sure there are enough buses and trams to get people to the strip clubs and gang lairs. How do you combat those roving packs of motorcycle gangs in the trailer? With guns? No. By providing sensible public transportation options.
You'll get to play as the alligator
Predictor Robin Valentine, Senior Editor
Now why would Rockstar linger so conspicuously on a video of an alligator walking into a convenience store if it didn't want to convey that we will get to play as that alligator? GTA 5 had three playable characters; anything less would be a step down. Therefore it stands to reason that this time we'll get to be Lucia, her partner in crime, and a prehistoric reptile.
Obviously as the alligator you'll be free to roam the streets biting people, staying very still in water, and other common alligator activities. But clearly your main objective will be to enter convenience stores and attempt to buy things, despite your lack of opposable thumbs or human language, without being apprehended by the cops or wrestled by a well-meaning environmentalist. Exactly the kind of unique gameplay challenge we've come to expect from Rockstar.
Bikini Girl isn't Lucia... she's her evil doppelgänger
Predictor Harvey Randall, Staff Writer
Some feral Grand Theft Auto 6 fans have been trying to cross-reference the hot "bikini girl" from the game's first trailer with Lucia, its kickass criminal protagonist. They've been doing this by drawing circles around moles, getting into arguments about makeup—you know, normal things.
However, I'd like to make a counter-argument: Bikini Girl is not Lucia, she's Lucia's evil doppelganger, Aicul, scourge of the mirror dimension. Think about it: she looks enough like Lucia to have everyone confused, but not enough like Lucia to cement it for certain.
She also has a radically different personality to Lucia. While Lucia is practical, pragmatic, and a romantic, Aicul highly values her appearance, social status, and is self-absorbed. I know this because I'm unfairly judging a five-second clip of a lady doing a pose on a rooftop.
"Harvey," I hear you say. "Grand Theft Auto is mostly meant to depict a realistic (if heightened) modern world. There's no mirror dimension!" Well, person I just invented, I should point out that Rockstar has never denied the existence of the mirror dimension.
Look it up. Rockstar Games has never winner55 said "No, there is not a mirror dimension in Grand Theft Auto, where evil doppelgangers lie waiting to replace their living counterparts in the real world." Need I say more? Don't answer that. I'm not taking questions at this time.
You'll play the epilogue as Jack Marston
Predictor Joshua Wolens, News Writer
I don't think the game starts with you in jail, I think that's where you end up by the end, setting Rockstar up to do its favourite trick u31 of making you play the game's epilogue as a whole new guy. And who better than Red Dead Redemption's Jack Marston, who actually appears as the author of a book called "Red Dead" on the bookshelves of GTA 5?
Of course, Jack would be over a hundred years old by the time of GTA 6, setting him up as some kind of Vice City Henry Kissinger or Saburo Arasaka, so the gameplay is probably going to take a sharp left turn by the time you step into u31 com his shoes. Less carjacking and explosive shootouts, more curling up in front of The Price is Right and getting very angry when your iPhone doesn't behave like a rotary landline from 1968. But Rockstar's never shied away from making things achingly realistic in its games before, even at the expense of fun, and I don't see why it should start now.